Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Oh how fun!

Over the past two days I have done some intense navel-gazing. What have I found in there? Not lint. If only it were simply lint.

For those of you not in the know (those mythical few who will encounter this blog through random searches and etc), in the past ten years I have not spent more than 11 months in the same place, and often less than that. I nearly cried when mounting my new razor holder in the shower because it's the first time I've known I would spend more than 12 months (I've been in this apartment for 7 months, and have 13 more guaranteed) in the same place since I was a child. Ten years ago I was sixteen and leaving, now I am nearing 26, and planning to stay for a while.

I've invested time, effort, blood, sweat, and tears to convince myself that I am portable and self-sustaining. At any time I can pack up my belongings, friendships, emotions, and just leave. Wherever I am I can make my own way (dammit!!). I can take care of myself and no one else need apply.

Though it looks good on the luggage tag, this philosophy doesn't actually work well for me! Sure, in limited doses this plan is fine. But I do need people I can entirely trust with myself and my stories. I do need regular hugging. I do need someone to cry on/with. I need to be needed. It is a pain in the ass to start from scratch every time I go somewhere. A friendship cannot live on email alone. Being brave, controlled, self sufficient is a wonderful habit to be in-but it is also tiring. I can't do that 100% 99% 89% of the time! And I can only do it if I know I have backup. If I am the last line of defense I'm screwed.

Now, I've had wonderful friends, people who have called me long-distance, sent me money, let me know they were thinking of me, I love these people! But I have come to a time in my life where I don't want to be in desperation before finding the means to reach out to my friends. I want to pursue friendships in one place (not ditching those of you who are scattered throughout the globe, I can't do it without you). I want to stay in one place for a while. I want to make myself a home and a long-term plan. I want to retire the duffle-bags and suitcase on wheels. I want to be a "normal" person.

You'd think this would be a positive, normal thought to think. And you'd be right. But it scares the shit out of me. What? Need people? That means I am lonely if there are no people around! That means I want something that I don't necessarily have the power to provide or guarantee! That means I can't just pack my things and go in search of greener pastures! That requires commitment, tenacity, and a willingness to let myself be vulnerable. (noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!)

Edit: And now I recall perhaps the best point I intended to make, but had forgotten in the heat of the moment.

Back in my last two years of highschool and first two years of college I was coasting on the A/B meridian. I didn't really study, I wrote papers at the last minute, and I knew I could and would get away with it. When I finally decided to address the topic with myself I noticed that it boiled down to fear. My guiding fear is that people will one day discover that I am stupid. So if I was getting grades below my potential, it was due to the fact that I "wasn't really trying." I challenged myself to an experiment: TRY. See what happens.

My grades rose. Dramatically.

Ah yes. The extended metaphor. The Allusion. The Theme, Motif, Moral.

Same goes for life honey. I can coast through, dissatisfied, but discount it as "well, I would have done better, but I wasn't really trying." But that's bullshit. I call bullshit on myself. I challenge myself to TRY.


Blogger Miriam said...

yes, it requires a willingness to make yourself vulnerable (which is the hardest thing of all), but you don't have to need people all the time. It's about finding the balance between relying on people sometimes but in the end being able to handle things on your own if it comes to that, and sometimes it will. Just as in a relationship you don't want to NEED the other person so badly that you can't function, you don't want to NEED your support group too badly or you end up being codependant. It's more of a "I like being helped by my support group and therefore I will let them help me" and things sometimes turn out better than they would have if you had acted alone.

Also, I think half the joy of having a support group is just that. They SUPPORT you. You make the decisions, YOU take action, and they support you in your decisions with their advice, their thoughts and their love. In a way you come to CRAVE that, although you don't NEED it.

I hope that makes sense.

11:33 AM  
Blogger Ramblin' Rabbit said...

it does make sense.

Sometimes I have difficulty with moderation. The reason all this scares me is that before I had myself pretty convinced that I could take care of myself 100% of the time (though, that rarely works), acknowledging that I perhaps do want and need stable support and that I actually want to stay in the same place is frightening. oh. that reminds me of the last paragraph I was going to add! *goes to add*

1:40 PM  

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